Just get your damn vaccine. Dead set the Extraordinary Energizer!
And now, from the PEOC deep under the demolished East Wing of the White House,
it's the 9th Annual Fake News Awards!
Featuring the fakest stories, the fakest journalists, and the fakest factoids
from the year that was in this socially constructed pseudo-reality we call the news.
The Fake News Awards is the only award show that dares to ask the question,
what are these lying dips**** trying to sell us on now, and why do they expect us to swallow it?
To what depths of digital depravity did the lying liars of the fake news media
sink in the past 12 months.
Which mockingbird repeaters, politicians, academics, and other establishment
toadies twisted themselves into the biggest pretzel knots to curry favor with
their financial overlords in 2025?
And most important of all, who will walk away with the dino for the fakest story of the year?
Find out in this year's exciting edition of the Fake News Awards!
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And now, here's the host of tonight's flaming dung heap, Bent Crockman!
Ladies, gentlemen, shape-shifting lizards from the planet Archon,
welcome one and all to this year's festivities.
As you know by now, this is the Fake News Awards, where yours truly,
Bent Crockman, bestows the dinos of dishonor on the biggest liars of the lying
lamestream media over the past year.
I see the guests are making their way to the venue as we speak,
so let's cut to the live cameras.
Yes, there's previous Fake News Award winner President Donald Trump sauntering
toward the hall with his usual manly gait.
And British Prime Minister Keir Starmer is right behind him.
Almost. And there's RFK Jr.
Shakily attempting to mount a small rock in some weird display of his superior virility.
And Putin, I'm sure he'll be here once he sleeps off that vodka bender.
But you didn't come here for that. You came here for these, the dinos.
You know how it works by now. We have five prizes to give away in five exciting
categories, each one dishonoring a fake news story from 2025.
And don't forget to follow along at home with your specially produced Dino's
Coloring Book, available on your favorite fake newsstand for a mere $999.
Yay! Now, tonight's first dino is the prize for Fakest War Story of the Year.
And the runners-up are...
NBC, CNN, and the other mainstream repeaters who fingered the fiendish Russians,
or is it the cunning Chinese, for dragging anchor and cutting undersea cables.
Quick, launch a new NATO-Baltic sea mission! Oh wait, it was just some maritime
accidents that could be used to whip up more war hysteria against the West's enemies. Never mind.
The Telegraph, for publishing a story under the headline, China Invades Taiwan,
Japan Steps In, that very plausibly could have started World War III.
As it turns out, the story was actually a hypothetical piece speculating on
what Japan might do if China invaded Taiwan. Oops.
And the Israel Defense Forces, for The Ceasefire Agreement Came Into Effect
at 12 o'clock, A tweet supposedly announcing a ceasefire agreement in Gaza,
but actually just marking the next stage in Israel's complete,
and completely illegal, annexation of Gaza.
With 410 more dead Gazan bodies piling up since the increasingly inaccurately
named ceasefire came into effect.
And the loser is...
Marco Rubio for Terrorist Designations of Cartel de los Soles,
a State Department press release in which the rabid neocon warmonger, who is the U.S.
Secretary of State, officially labels Venezuela's Cartel of the Sons a foreign
terrorist organization in order to justify Uncle Sam's 2026 invasion of that
country and abduction of its leader.
Of course, the evidence for the very existence of this supposed drug cartel
is flimsy at best, and the organization, to the extent that it ever existed,
goes back to a CIA-created drug smuggling scheme in the 1990s,
a fact even the dedicated dissimulators at 60 Minutes were forced to concede at the time.
Who's going to let a little truth stand in the way of a good regime change operation?
Certainly not Chevron. I mean, FIFA, Peace Prize President Trump,
and his faithful neocon Tony Marco Rubio.
And now the American people are going to have to deal with the you-break-it,
you-buy-it consequences of destabilizing a nation of 30 million people on its own doorstep.
But that's fodder for the 10th annual Fake News Awards.
So for breaking the trust of the gullible voting rubes once again and launching
yet another illegal foreign war of aggression on fictitious pretenses,
this prize goes to you, Rubio.
Congratulations. May you burn in hell.
Well, that's an exciting way to start tonight's festivities, isn't it?
Do you want to get straight to the next prize? Well, too bad.
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Moving right along, let's dish out our next dino of denunciation,
the award for fakest science of the year.
And the runners-up are...
Francesca Gino, the Harvard behavioral scientist who was stripped of her tenure
after it was discovered that you can't make this up.
She fabricated data in four separate studies on dishonesty.
The demographers who came up with the blue zone hypothesis that people in certain
areas live exceptionally long lives because of their region's diet and lifestyle,
but whose theory was utterly debunked last year when it was found that the real
reason there are more centenarians reported to be living in these low-income,
low-literacy, high-crime, short lifespan areas was because of dodgy data owing
to clerical errors and pension fraud.
And the UK COVID inquiry, which concluded that the failure of the UK government
to lock down their tax cattle earlier may have cost lives, whereas,
in reality, as NIH director Jay Bhattacharya observes, not locking down at all,
like Sweden, would have saved lives in the UK.
And the loser is...
Thanks, Mike.
The Make America Healthy Again Commission for their MAHA report,
which it turns out included not one, not two, not three, not four,
not five, not six, but seven completely fake citations.
That's right, not only did the MAHA commission have to resort to making up non-existent
fake scientific reports to convince the public that it should become healthy
again, they almost certainly used ChatGBT to do it.
The seven fake citations were most likely hallucinations generated by the AI
chatbot that was tasked with actually writing the document.
And that's not to mention the numerous
other broken links to and flawed summarizations of other research.
But don't sweat it, guys. White House spokeswoman and font of truth Carolyn
Levitt claimed the citations of non-existent studies were just formatting issues.
And this is why, in a year when AI slop provided us with fodder for many fake
news stories and fake commercials and other assorted techno-fakery from the seventh circle of hell,
this particular piece of AI slop, science takes the cake.
Or should that be the dino? Congrats, losers!
And speaking of AI and fake news, it's time to dish out our next mark of shame,
the dino, for fakest AI-generated news.
And the runners-up are...
Pakistani newspaper Don, whose editors forgot to take the if you want,
I can create an even snappier front page style version prompt out of their article
on the Pakistani auto industry.
The Chicago Sun-Times for publishing a summer reading list full of fake books,
including books that don't exist, by authors who do exist.
And Victoria Goldie, a silly fake name for a silly fake journalist who creates
fake AI-generated articles using fake quotes from real people and who wasn't
outed until one suspicious editor decided to check out a pitch by this prolific freelancer.
And the loser is...
Oh, thanks, Mike. The Washington Post for creating AI-generated personalized
podcasts that feature fake,
error-ridden AI slop hosted by fake digitally created voices.
Yes, the crack prostitutes at the Washington Dies in Darkness Post decided in
their infinite wisdom to produce personalized podcasts for their gullible readers.
These podcasts could be generated in seconds, featuring a voice selected by
the user on topics they're interested in.
The only problem? These podcasts immediately started generating AI-hallucinated
fake news content riddled with factual errors and published under the Washington Post name.
As one frustrated WAPO editor vented on Slack, it is truly astonishing that
this was allowed to go forward at all.
Never would I have imagined that the Washington Post would deliberately warp
its own journalism and then push these errors out to our audience at scale.
If we were serious, we would pull this tool immediately.
Ah, but therein lies the problem. Even the Bezos Post editors still think of this feature as a tool.
But it isn't. It's an AI slop vomiting cancer on humanity designed to parasitically
suck the content out of real productive human journalism and regurgitate it
back into the brain-dead Rube's ears, hallucinated nonsense and all.
What is the point of this crap? Why on earth would any sane human being want this?
They don't. But that's precisely why sane people don't read the Washington Post.
Here's your dino, you pathetic, AI-addled establishment toadies. Suck it!
All right, now we're on a roll. So let's immediately bring that roll to a crashing
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Wow, that is a trustworthy and reliable human being if ever I saw one.
All right, folks, moving right along, it's time to dishonor the next unlucky
dino recipient of tonight's fake news festivities.
It's time to award the prize for Fakest Journalist of the Year.
And the runners-up are...
Rachel Maddow for lamenting another Trump travesty in her report on how Musk
has convinced the Trump government to spend $400 million on armored Teslas.
Definitely not corrupt and ripping us all off.
Except, that was all done under Biden.
Jake, it wasn't really until after the election that we finally acknowledged
what everyone else had been seeing for four years and decided to profit off
our complete lack of journalistic integrity, Tapper, for being, well,
Jake, it wasn't really until after the election that we finally acknowledged
what everyone else has been seeing for four years and decided to profit off
our complete lack of journalistic integrity, Tapper.
And the veritable online army of flag-waving, MAGA-loving patriots who were
accidentally exposed as foreign psyops agents and cyber warriors when Twitter
briefly included, and then immediately removed, an account location feature.
And the loser is...
USAID for funding over 6,200 journalists and 707 media outlets and 279 media
NGOs and a partridge in a pear tree, and including 9 out of 10 media outlets in Ukraine.
That's right. In their report lamenting the gutting of USAID by Doge early last year,
Reporters Without Borders accidentally let the cat out of the bag by admitting
that, According to a USAID fact sheet, which has since been taken offline,
in 2023, the agency funded training and support for 6,200 journalists,
assisted 707 non-state news outlets, and supported 279 media sector civil society
organizations dedicated to strengthening independent media.
The 2025 foreign aid budget included $268,376,000 allocated by Congress to support
independent media and the free flow of information.
What? Those poor independent media outlets that were being funded to spread
CIA-sanctioned fake news in countries on the State Department hit list are now
going to have to somehow make do without Uncle Sam making it rain to the tune
of a quarter of a billion dollars?
Oh, the humanity!
Curiously left out of Reporters Without Borders account, however,
is USAID's real history as a funding vehicle for State Department-sponsored
and CIA-run regime change operations in foreign countries,
including its role in creating fake social media networks to foment unrest in Cuba,
or sending fake doctors running a fake HIV prevention clinic to foment unrest in Cuba,
or propping up a fake hip-hop scene with U.S.
Taxpayer dollars in order to foment unrest in Cuba,
not to mention its role in torturing political opposition in Latin America,
co-funding an opium smuggling airline in Laos, and co-sponsoring the opposition
groups that participated in the coup in Ukraine in 2014.
No, for that kind of detail, you'll have to go to the actual independent media,
you know, the kind that isn't receiving hundreds of millions of dollars from the U.S.
Government to do its fake news reporting dirty work.
So, here you go, Reporters Without Borders, and your USAID fellow travelers.
Here's your dino of shame, and here's hoping we see you in the unemployment
line in 2026, once your paymaster's figured out that they can replace you and
your fellow lying fake news journalists with AI chatbots.
Ow! And now it's time for the most important part of tonight's festivities,
the part you've been waiting for all year long, the climax of our orgy of fakery.
Another word from our corporate sponsors.
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I don't know what the f*** that was, but that guy left his vodka bottle here
and I'm four sheets to the wind, so I couldn't care less.
All right, where were we? Oh, that's right, the big one.
Okay, one more for courage or something.
All right! Here we go! And this year's award for fake news story of the year goes to...
Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no. I know what's going on here.
Every year, I go to open this envelope, and the winner isn't in here.
I put on this big show of unwrapping this stupid thing, and there's nothing
inside, and I end up looking like an idiot.
And you all have a good laugh at my expense and say, look behind the dino,
stupid, or something like that.
Well, I'm not falling for that this year.
I'm not some Charlie Brown schmuck running to kick the football again and again
and again while that bitch Lucy pulls that damn thing away every damn time.
I swear, if I get my hands on whoever is doing this...
Wait, what's that? It's in the envelope.
For real. like it's really in there this year.
Oh I see, okay, well done. Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen.
All right let's see who the biggest liar of the year is and the award for fake
news story of the year goes to...
What on earth?
Ah, I see.
And the fake news story of the year goes to...
Donald Trump for, are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein?
This guy's been talked about for years.
Could I just interrupt for a second? Sure. Are you still talking about Jeffrey
Epstein? This guy's been talked about for years.
You're asking, we have Texas, we have this, we have all of the things.
And are people still talking about this guy, this creep? That is unbelievable.
Incredible. Just incredible. Remember when ABC News won the third annual Fake
News Story of the Year for It was unbelievable what we had. We had Clinton. We had everything.
Well, the proud tradition continues. Yes, in a remarkable turn of events, U.S.
President Donald J. Trump has become the first ever two-time winner of the Fake
News Story of the Year dishonor.
After having previously won for his lies about the Duma chemical weapons hoax,
he's now the winner for perpetrating a hoax of his own.
The Epstein-was-a-hoax hoax.
And he actually thinks his supporters are dumb enough to fall for it.
If only he were here to accept the award in person.
Wait, I'm getting word that... Yes, Trump has been informed of his dino,
and has organized a hasty press conference to accept the award.
Let's cut to our live feed, courtesy of Mike from Dayjob Orchestra.
Thank you very much. First, they got up this morning.
Found out again, I'm a really important person. That's right.
You remember James Corbett. Over in Japan.
Corbett has an award show over there. It's about my partying with Jeff Epstein.
And you know that's fake news. Just like me and Bubba.
It's a big old sack of lies. There's a rumor going around. Fell on my knees for Bubba.
Bill slapped me with his penis. That's a bunch of horse shit.
I hope you know I didn't suck his willy.
Well, I told you before, this Epstein business, it's all a hoax perpetrated
for idiots with nothing better to do.
This award had great people before me.
Klaus Schwab was even a winner. What do you think? Bibi, Fauci,
and other wonderful people.
I just want to thank James for this actual fake award, Steely.
I'm a bit more than just a big idiot.
I'm so, so great. But bullshit just tempt me.
Hey, asshole, sit down. Oh, I want to shout out to, who I gotta thank.
A really, really nice help to me.
That Jimmy Savile, wonderful man, he was my dad's roommate.
If anyone doubts this, you know I'll say it's fake. Anyway, it's not easy being
a moron. I come from a corrupt family as well.
We force anybody that has questions to shut up,
For example, the teenagers in Epstein, Ireland. It's okay, though,
because I'm protected. What do you mean by that?
It's a big hoax. Jeffrey Epstein was a super fabulous person.
He killed himself. Mr. President, how do you explain... We're done here.
Amazing! Incredible! Definitely not fake!
If you want to see more of that incredibly not fake and definitely not lip-dub
footage, be sure to check out Day Job Orchestra on Bitshoot or Odyssey.
So, yes, folks. hoax, after lying to the gullible MAGA-believing rubes about the Iran strikes,
stabbing them in the back with the Trump-Gaza-slash-Board of Peace debacle,
poking them in the eye with the Project Stargate fiasco, kicking them while
they're down with the Ukraine peace plan disaster, and rubbing salt in their
wounds with the Venezuela drug cartel lie,
Trump might have actually woken up his bootlicker base with a final kick to the groin.
The Epstein hoax hoax.
You see, apparently it's the radical left Democrats who came up with this new
scam, which Trump tried to tell his supporters, we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein hoax.
Then he went on to berate anyone who still actually cares about the elite child
sex trafficker and his friends in business, finance, entertainment,
and politics, calling them past supporters who have bought into this bullshit hook, line, and sinker.
Shirt on, whatever you say, we're definitely
falling for your nothing-to-see-here-folks naked gun meme routine,
and we're definitely not interested in peering behind that curtain you've put
up around you because it's all a Democrat hoax.
Just imagine how excited Trump must have been when he saw the newly released
photos showing famed magician David Blaine entertaining Epstein and his distinguished guests,
But then think how crestfallen he must have been when he realized that even
David Blaine couldn't make the Epstein files disappear.
Although, to be fair, the Orange One didn't win this award all by himself.
No, no, no, he surrounded himself with the very best team of sycophants and
cover-up buffoons who are willing to lie to the public about Epstein in a vain
attempt to send one of the most prolific political pedophilia blackmail rings
in history down the collective memory hole.
In february you made a public claim that the epstein client
list was quote sitting on my desk right now for review end of quote you then
produce already public information and no client list at a major media event
hosted at the white house attorney general bondi why did you publicly claim
to have the epstein client list
waiting for your review and then produce nothing relevant to that claim.
Senator Durbin, if you listen to my entire clip on that, I said I had not reviewed
it yet, that it was sitting on my desk along with the JFK files,
the Martin Luther King files.
And I said I had not yet reviewed it.
And if you see our memo on Epstein, you will see, excuse me,
our memo on Epstein clearly points out that there was no client list.
You said Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide.
People don't believe it. Well, I mean, listen, they have a right to their opinion.
But as someone who has worked as a public defender, as a prosecutor,
who's been in that prison system, who's been in the Metropolitan Detention Center,
who's been in segregated housing, you know a suicide when you see one.
And that's what that was. He killed himself.
Again, you want me to? I've seen the whole file.
The DOJ and FBI later said there was no incriminating client list,
no credible evidence Epstein blackmailed anyone, and the report confirmed he died by suicide in 2019.
Yes, truly, the Epstein was a hoax hoax has been a team effort in gaslighting.
Thankfully, the public hasn't been dumbed down enough by the statist indoctrination
system to swallow that bucket of stale horse piss yet.
The laughably misnamed justice system may be bought and paid for by these same
well-connected kiddie diddlers that Trump is protecting, but in the court of
public opinion, we know the truth.
Epstein was an intel op that caught many of the rich and powerful in his net,
and we will not rest until each and every one of these disgusting perverts is
held accountable for their actions, no matter what office they're in,
and no matter what title they have.
And that's the Fake News Awards, everyone! We sure hope you join us again next year for...
Wait. What am I doing?
What? What? Why am I doing this?
Why are you watching this? What does any of this mean?
That's it. I've had it. I'm out of here.
I quit. No, no, no, really. That's it. You can take this job and shove it up your-
Uh, what's going on? Hello?
He's gone? He's really gone?
He really left?
Crookman left! I told Mike, keep him away from the booze!
Just one drop of that sweet, sweet sauce and he'd be off the rails again!
For nine years I've kept him on the wagon and now it's all gone to s**t!
What are we meant to do now? Cut the feed!
I said cut the feed!